Sex addiction is a sensitive and controversial topic that silently affects marriages. Sex addiction manifests in multiple forms such as compulsive masturbation, extensive usage of pornography, or serial affairs. The jury is still out on whether sex addiction is technically an addiction; however, there is no doubting that sexual dependencies lead to marital problems.
Relationship issues derived from sexual dependencies:
- Loss of emotional and/or physical intimacy with your spouse
- Financial burdens caused by addiction
- Self esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy
- Trust issues
You may feel that you have no control over your spouse’s actions, but you do have options.
1. Stay Married
Attending Therapy
The good news is that sex addiction can be successfully treated. If you believe your relationship can be saved, then encourage your spouse to attend individual or couple’s therapy. Therapy can help you cope with issues such as intimacy loss, health risks, emotional abuse, and depression. It is also important to acknowledge how your spouse’s sex addiction may have affected your wellbeing.
2. Get Divorced
Absolute Divorce
An Absolute Divorce is the only way to terminate a marriage within North Carolina. An Absolute Divorce typically requires either spouse to be a resident of North Carolina for six months, and living separately for one year prior to the divorce action. An Absolute Divorce may also be granted when one spouse suffers from incurable insanity, which separates the couple for a minimum of three years. An Absolute Divorce is a no fault action; therefore, sexual misconduct would not have to be established for the divorce to be granted.
Divorce from Bed and Board
Divorce from Bed and Board is not common because this action does not terminate the marriage. Therefore, neither party can remarry. However, if you want the right to live separately and have claims to alimony, child support, and/or post-separation support, then Divorce from Bed and Board is an option for you. Divorce from Bed and Board is sometimes used when couples are religiously opposed to terminating their marriage, but no longer want to live together.
Divorce from Bed and Board is fault-based. A spouse must show evidence that proves he/she has been injured by their spouse, and the injury falls within one of the six statutory categories.
In some cases, sex addiction can be found as an injury falling within one of the statutory requirements. For example, courts have found that pornography addiction falls within the intolerable and burdensome statutory requirement for Divorce from Bed and Board. A spouse may also satisfy the requirements when their spouse has committed adultery. Adultery has its own category within the statutory requirement.
Effects on Child Custody
The impact sex addiction has on child custody varies depending on each individual case. Most children experience consequences of sex addiction. These consequences range from abandonment, unfulfilled promises, financial strains, and displaced emotions. Some children may become aware of their parent’s addiction by catching their parent in sexual acts or stumbling upon pornographic content.
The court’s main focus is to provide a custody order that is in the best interest of the child. If a sex addiction has caused a parent to neglect or abuse their child, evidence of this conduct must be brought to the court’s attention. Extramarital affairs and parent’s instability could also factor into the court’s decision.
Effects on Alimony
Alimony does not require a financially supporting spouse to be at fault. However, the court may still consider factors such as marital misconduct, reckless spending of income, and abandonment when determining alimony. On the other hand, a financially dependent spouse could lose their ability to receive alimony when these factors are presented.
3. Take Legal Action
You have a legal right to sue a person interfering with your marriage. North Carolina recognizes claims such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation.
Alienation of Affection
If your loving marriage was destroyed by the conduct of another person, then you may have a claim for alienation of affection. A person who has orchestrated the demise of your marriage can be sued. Alienation of affection is designed to protect the institution of marriage and deter mischievous behavior.
Criminal Conversation
If your spouse engaged in sexual intercourse with someone else while you were married, then you may have a claim for criminal conversation. Affairs involve two people. Criminal conversation allows you to hold the third party accountable for their actions.
Consequences to Sex Addictions
Sex addiction does not go away on its own. In worst case scenarios, sex addictions can manifest into bigger problems that have legal consequences such as:
- sexual abuse
- voyeurism
- prostitution solicitation
- child molestation
Your Questions Answered
Is sex addiction a common issue?
Sexual addictions have become common within recent years and affect more and more marriages. Many spouses feel uncomfortable discussing sex addiction, and addicts make a point to hide their addiction. However, sex addiction is estimated to affect more than 30 million people within the United States in 2014.
How should I know when looking at porn turns into an addiction?
If pornography has interfered with your spouse’s daily functions, then you should seek professional help. Pornography should not be causing your spouse to neglect financial, parental, or work responsibilities. Addicts commonly hide, minimize, or blame their addictions on others.
Is sex addiction my fault?
No. Sex addiction is never about sex. Addiction is a coping mechanism for a deep-rooted problem. Most addicts blame their spouses because they do not want to acknowledge their problem. You did not cause their addiction, but their addiction most likely had an impact on you. It is important to seek professional advice.
Who can I talk to?
If you do not want your friends or family to know about your spouse’s addiction, there are other ways to get the support you need. Therapists, doctors, and lawyers are required to keep your conversations confidential. These resources will provide you with individual, expert advice, which will help bring solutions to your life.
Is an addiction to internet pornography the same as adultery?
Pornography addiction is an emotional betrayal. It can interfere with a relationship as much as a physical relationship. However, the court does not legally recognize pornography as a form of adultery.
Are there any legal remedies that will require my spouse to attend therapy?
In some cases, judges may order a spouse to attend therapy. In addition, if your spouse is willing to attend therapy, then you may be able to enter into a written agreement holding them to their promise. For example: Spouse 1 agrees to pay for Spouse 2’s therapy sessions if Spouse 2 attends six sessions. You should consult an attorney before entering into a contractual agreement with your spouse.
Finding Closure
Sex addiction is a complicated disorder that does not develop overnight and does not go away on its own. An addict can only manage their condition with proper treatment and the desire to change. You may feel that you have done all you can do for your spouse. A person married to an addict may feel that they will never be able to experience a healthy sex life again. A spouse may feel abandoned, betrayed, and/or degraded. If you are ready to move on with your life, you should consider speaking to an attorney.
