Divorced dads often have to cut back on the amount of time they spend with their kids, and that’s not usually a welcome change. The child custody agreement you worked out with your ex and your Chapel Hill divorce lawyer may have given primary physical custody to her and visitation to you, which means your kids spend more time at their mom’s house than at yours. On the other hand, you might have the kids most of the time. While it may hurt to hear your kids raving about their stepdad, whether or not you’re the custodial parent, there are some positives—and acknowledging his positive points can help improve your relationship with them.
Although it might look like your kids prefer their stepdad to you, they don’t. You’ll always be their father, and even the addition of a new guy in Mom’s life won’t change that. Sure, their stepdad might let them get away with more, never ask about their grades and never stop them from playing video games… but your kids will always keep you in the number-one spot.
Parenting: It’s Not a Competition
It might help to remember that as long as someone is good to your kids and sets a good example, your kids can benefit from the extra love, care and attention. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
It’s natural to feel like your ex’s new husband is competing with you for your kids’ affection. Generally, though, most stepdads want just one thing: to avoid being seen as “mom’s jerk of a husband.” However, some stepdads cross the line and by attempting to alienate kids from their real father (sometimes with your ex’s help). If you suspect that’s happening, contact your Chapel Hill divorce lawyer to find out what you can do to stop that before it becomes a huge issue.
Don’t Push for Distance between Them
Your kids will always look up to you and be proud of you (that is, unless you’re trying to get your teens to walk around the mall with you or you’re driving that embarrassing minivan when you pick them up from school). Trying to drive a wedge between your kids and their mom’s husband can confuse them and cause them extra distress; getting a new stepparent is already hard enough, and it’s even harder when a parent they love pushes against the change.
As tempting as it may be, don’t respond negatively when your kids say something nice about their stepdad. Even if they seem to think he’s “cooler” than you, remember that their impressions of him can’t change the fact that you’re their daddy and you’ll always have a special bond between you.
Doing the Best You Can
You have a vested interest in the outcome of your kids’ lives. That’s why it’s so important that you keep being a good, responsible father. If you’re having a hard time dealing with the fact that your kids have a stepdad, ask your Chapel Hill divorce lawyer for a referral to a local counselor or therapist who’s experienced in dealing with blended families.
