Throughout your entire child custody determination, there’s one overwhelming question that should influence every decision you make: what’s best for your children? Learning to co-parent effectively is a great way to minimize the inevitable disruption your kids experience during the breakup of your marriage. But no one would ever say it’s easy, which is why we’ve saved an entire chapter to talk about how to do it well.
In this chapter, we’ll explore:
- what co-parenting means and why it matters;
- how you can learn to co-parent, starting with your initial separation;
- special considerations for high-conflict co-parenting; and
- tips you should keep in mind while you’re learning how to navigate this new role.
We’ve already mentioned joint parenting a few times in this book, so we’ll also point you back to earlier discussions as we go. But first: what are the keys to successful co-parenting?
What Co-Parenting Is All About
We cannot overemphasize the importance of positive co-parenting. It all comes down to putting your child first, which has been our goal throughout this book. Putting your child first might require you to redefine your relationship with your ex, set aside your own needs, and even let go of old conflicts and differences.
It’s extremely difficult to co-parent well; after all, you do still have all of these underlying issues and tensions. There’s a reason your marriage didn’t work out, and that reason hasn’t gone away. Our legal system can make matters worse, as it can force divorcing parents into adversarial positions. Still, as long as you put your child first and really focus on how to co-parent effectively, you’re going to provide the smoothest possible transition for your child.
Beyond minimizing the disruption to your child’s life, good co-parenting can teach your child—through your example—how to communicate clearly and work through problems. It sets a great example of positive conflict resolution even in the face of fundamental differences and heightened emotions. As your child gets older, she’ll start to pick up on the fact that you’ve set your feelings aside, communicated about your different opinions and positions, and reached workable compromises. That excellent example can be the best aspect of this whole situation as far as your child goes.
So how do you do it?
Aside from putting the child first, strive for consistency. You want to make sure that whatever happens at Dad’s house also happens in the same way at Mom’s house. If your child has the same experience at both houses—with reasonably similar dinner times, reasonably similar bedtime routines, and a consistent bedtime, that’s one way to make this transition between households easier.
Open, honest communication is the key that unlocks that consistency. You’ve got to be able to express yourself, put some trust in the other parent, and be transparent about everything that’s happening in both households.
A lot of parents make this work by taking a businesslike approach. They redefine their relationship with their ex, removing the emotion and anger around the failed relationship and moving forward in a new, almost professional relationship that’s focused on meeting the child’s needs.
Your first opportunity to practice co-parenting is going to come at the very beginning of your separation, when it’s time to tell the kids what’s happening.
Learning to Co-Parent: Dealing With a Separation
As soon as you and your co-parent have officially decided to separate, you’ll need to figure out how to tell your children. First, talk with each other about what you’re going to say. Children who hear that their parents are separating typically fear that your love for them is also going to somehow stop, since your love for the other parent didn’t last. Be sure you stress to your children that both of you love them unconditionally and always will.
Make it clear—repeatedly—that this decision to separate and move into different households has nothing to do with the children or anything that they’ve done or said or thought. Reassure them that you’re still going to have a strong bond, that you still love them, and that you’re still going to be involved in their daily lives. You’re not going to stop cheering at their soccer games, attending their school plays, or talking to them all the time. You’ll still be their parent, and you’ll still love them completely.
It’s best for the whole family to have this conversation together. Present a united front to the children and don’t go into the details of what went wrong. Put aside any desire you have to blame the other parent for the breakup or tell the children about the other parent’s shortcomings as a spouse. None of that is going to help your child have a smooth transition.
During your separation and the rest of your divorce process, you’re going to need to speak regularly to your ex about your children. At a minimum, you’re going to have to arrange for custody exchanges, school events, and medical care.
As we mentioned above, it’s helpful for both of you to regard these conversations as business meetings. Conversations about parenting aren’t the time to play the blame game or rehash the problems that led to your divorce. Do your best to take responsibility for your own feelings.
The same rules apply when delivering your children to the other parent or picking them up from the other parent. These transitions are likely to be awkward for everyone. Don’t make it worse by discussing touchy issues or making a big deal about your ex being late, the children being in their pajamas, or schoolwork not being done. You can address these types of concerns at a later time without involving the kids.
This is going to take practice. Expect to make some mistakes as you learn the ropes. Expect that your ex is going to make mistakes too. Neither of you is going to be perfect right off the bat (if ever).
One mistake that many parents make is criticizing their spouse in front of the children. Yes, it’s probably obvious that this is a bad idea when you’re not in the situation, but emotions can make all of this messy and difficult. Divorcing parents often feel intense betrayal and hurt and can end up denigrating their spouses in subtle ways without even realizing that they’re doing it. For example, if a parent is late for a visitation exchange and the other parent mumbles, “That’s so typical,” your child is going to wonder what that means.
Don’t fool yourself that these small digs don’t matter. Remember, your child is a product of both of you. When you criticize the other parent, you are criticizing part of the child. You’d never do this intentionally. You want your child to have the confidence and self-esteem he needs for the rest of his life. Choices you make now, even in the heat of the moment, can influence your child’s success and emotional well-being years later. Take a deep breath and hold your thoughts until your children aren’t around.
In the same vein, parents going through a divorce often inadvertently put their children in the middle of their conflict, sometimes even using them as go-betweens or spies. Don’t give in to this temptation. If you can’t communicate your expectations, why should you expect your children to be able to do it? They also don’t need to be put in the awkward position of betraying one parent, keeping secrets, or lying. Remember that your children are going to maintain relationships with both parents. Don’t poison those relationships with your own marital conflicts.
Some parents even go so far as to use their children as pawns. They feel that by denying access to the children they will somehow be able to “get even” with their spouse or “punish” them for missteps. Unless there is abuse involved, cutting off your spouse’s access to the children is likely to backfire. Excessively limiting access gives your ex ammunition to escalate matters legally, and parents who cut off access without an excellent reason usually don’t fare well in front of judges.
While you’re not responsible for your ex’s feelings, remember that life will be much easier for all of you if you and your ex aren’t fighting at every turn. Make the way easier for yourself and your children. Tell your co-parent everything and anything about the children and their daily lives. If you honestly can’t bear the thought of talking to your ex ever again, use carefully worded emails. Communicate even if you think your spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t want to know. If you do end up in court, you’ll be able to prove how hard you’ve worked on co-parenting. And it’s never a bad thing for your kids to overhear you bragging about their accomplishments.
Finally, be careful that you don’t rely on your children for emotional support during your separation and eventual divorce. Many kids are eager to do whatever they can to help a parent going through a difficult period. They can also be easy allies when adults are venting anger. But your children are already dealing with their own adjustments during the divorce process. You and your spouse need to avoid putting additional burdens on them. It’s rarely appropriate or helpful for children to become the support system for adults. Children in divorce need to be receiving emotional support from you, not giving it to you.
But what if none of these tips help because you’re dealing with a high-conflict divorce?
High-Conflict Co-Parenting
We’ve been talking about joint parenting in typical divorces, but not all divorces are typical. If you’re facing a high-conflict divorce—one that’s characterized by hostile confrontations or abuse—be mindful of the fact that your children are likely to feel confused and torn between their two warring parents. High-conflict divorce can leave long-lasting emotional scars on children. Here’s how to avoid that.
First, don’t try to go this alone. Parents in typical divorces might be able to get by without an attorney, but high-conflict divorces require a lawyer’s mediation skills and knowledge of the law for the best results for everyone involved, especially your children. While you’re at it, seek co-parenting counseling. Getting help from a neutral co-parenting therapist or counselor should help both parties learn how to communicate better not only with each other but also with their children as they adjust to the major lifestyle changes they’ll experience.
Keep your children informed about changes and new schedules, but don’t burden them with too much information about your separation. Letting your children know what’s coming will help prepare them for changes and reduce the shock of transitioning.
With your co-parent, try to seek solutions instead of arguments. This will take a conscious effort, but if you can look for practical solutions instead of heated exchanges, you’ll minimize the physical and emotional strain on your children. And don’t force yourselves to have ongoing arguments about those solutions; set up clear rules for custody exchanges and communications and then stick to those rules.
If your ex has been physically abusive toward you or the children, you should raise those issues with your lawyer and, if applicable, the court. Abuse victims are sometimes afraid to voice these concerns for fear that it could result in more abuse, but the court needs to know the full details of the family history to determine what is truly in the best interests of the child. A history of domestic violence can determine which parent receives primary custody as well as result in significant limitations on the abusive parent’s visitation rights. The judge will take all of this information into consideration for the safety and benefit of your child.
With an abusive ex, go a step beyond creating clear rules: decide what your boundaries are and what you’re going to do when your ex oversteps. This requires some pre-planning and forethought, but it’s worth it. You cannot trust that things will work themselves out or that you will figure it out later. These boundaries should be clear and established from the very beginning. Important boundaries include hours of communication, methods of communication between parents, and clear instructions on communicating with the child when in the other parent’s care. You may find that using a scheduling app can avoid any “he said, she said” disputes and can minimize opportunities for manipulation or deceit.
All in-person custody exchanges should occur in a secure public place. Your child’s school or day care could serve as a convenient location. You may also want to have a third party present to provide you with some support and to reduce the tension.
If your ex breaches your agreement, remain calm and avoid a direct confrontation. Instead, report the breach to your attorney. You might decide to have your attorney send a letter to your ex regarding the breach that reiterates their obligations under the child custody agreement. If this does not work, you can request mediation, ask the judge to make changes, or even file a motion for contempt.
For more on high-conflict co-parenting, see chapter 5.
Let’s close out this chapter—and the whole book—with some tips for effective co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
Remember that your goal is to support your children and ensure that everything you do is in their best interest. Here are some additional ways to do that.
Encourage your kids to talk with their other parent between visits. Don’t stand in the way of your children’s regularly scheduled phone calls or video chats. Make sure your kids are home (or have access to their phones) when calls are scheduled. When your child has exciting news or needs some extra encouragement, suggest that they talk with both parents about it.
Share your children’s schedules. Keep your co-parent up to date with all the events in your children’s lives. Use a shared calendar on an app or website and take the time to enter in each upcoming event. This will help all of you—you, your children, and your co-parent—to stay better connected and informed.
Remember that this is a brand-new relationship. You can’t relate to your ex the way you did before. You’re not married anymore; you’re in a whole new situation. If you stick to your old patterns, your co-parenting won’t be any more effective than your marriage was. Be formal, if that helps you to distance yourself from your emotions. Treat your relationship with your co-parent as a business venture not as a personal relationship.
Be aware of your tone of voice. Your kids have been listening to you all of their lives. They know what your tone of voice means. Even when your words are neutral, your negative emotions about your ex can slip out by way of your tone. You don’t have to be happy about talking with your ex, but you can still keep it professional and respectful.
Always put your child first. Your children need to be the number-one priority for both you and your ex. If you only think about what’s in their best interest and forget everything else from this chapter, you’ll come out okay.
By keeping the lines of communication open and always asking what’s best for your kids, you’ll set everyone up for success in your new co-parenting relationship. Plus, when you step back from some of the tangled emotions of the divorce itself and make decisions for your children as neutrally as possible, you’ll find that you become a better parent—and a healthier person—in the long run.
