Navigating through life after divorce can be especially difficult around the holidays. This gets even more difficult when there are children involved, or when this will be the first year of celebrating holidays separately. Each family is different and family plans are varied, but we have compiled some tips and pointers that we share with our clients to help ease the parents and children through the holidays. Here’s how to make the most out of your first holiday season post-separation.
1. Put your children first
Parents should always be motivated to do what is best for their children, and a large part of that is letting their children enjoy the holidays and traditions they have grown used to. Allow your children to sleep late on those school-free days. We encourage our clients to constantly ask themselves: what is the best thing for my kids? Will today’s agenda be a good one for them?
2. Plan.
Have a plan for the holidays. If you have a separation agreement or court order, review the provisions and details about the holidays. Make travel and work plans to reflect and respect those terms. Share those travel plans with the other parent. Do the best you can to honor all dates and timelines without any changes.
Perhaps even more importantly, share those plans with your children. Inform them so that they know what to expect. Children want and need stability and a routine. Be sure that they know what’s in store for them and when they will see you; perhaps highlight the calendar on the refrigerator or in the kitchen. Make an advent calendar or activity out of it to get them excited.
3. Watch the clock.
If holiday plans include splitting a day, be mindful of mealtimes, snacks, and naps. If it has always been the father’s family tradition to have the Thanksgiving meal at 5pm, mother should do her best to have the children ready for that meal. Mother should avoid allowing the kids to feast on candy while en route to father’s family time and meal. Likewise for Christmas, if mother’s family has a big meal and present time on Christmas Eve, dad should work to see that mom’s time can be enjoyed as well. Remember – the holidays are a special time for your children. Make it about them first and foremost.
4. Nip the negative talk.
It can be a challenge to avoid negative talk about your ex when you are visiting and catching up with relatives. Avoid these discussions when your children are around. And, honestly, try to skip these talks in general. Let the adults know that there should be no negative speech about your former spouse when your children are present. Some relatives may think that they are helping you by bashing your ex, but it really can be more harmful than anything.
5. Coordinate the gifts.
Differing thoughts on money might be one of the reasons you and your spouse split; financial issues are often cited as a major reason for separation. However, for the holidays and Santa gifting, the parents should cooperate as much as possible. In addition to avoiding duplication (ie accidentally getting them the same gift), parents should try to compliment each others gifts.
For example, if you know the other parent wants to get them the new bike they’ve been asking for, get them a bundle of matching accessories to go with it (helmet, light for riding at night, handle bar accessories, water bottle, decals, etc). Parents should also try to similarly budget and not grand stand the other parent. Try to include grandparents on these talks as well.
6. Skip the introduction of the new partner.
Introducing a new partner will likely be a challenge whenever that occurs, but it is advisable to avoid that introduction during the holidays. The holidays can be challenging, and adding another stressor at that time should be avoided.
7. Stay off social media.
If you and your ex have agreed to not posting pictures with your children, just continue that practice. If you have not agreed upon social media use, the holidays may be a good time to practice some social media restraint. Avoid triggering the other parent with an overload of pictures on social media. It might be a better idea to send pictures in a group family text or via a co-parenting app. Social media posts can sometimes garner well-intended comments that mean no harm, but can land the wrong way.
8. Be flexible.
Even with the best of plans and coordinated activities, things can happen. Travel may take longer than usual, weather may alter schedules, etc. Be as flexible as you can. Some things really are out of one’s control. Be flexible and adapt as best you can to travel challenges and schedule changes that are likely to happen.
9. Create new traditions.
As children age, it will become easier to propose new holiday ideas. When Santa stops coming, it might be a good time to create new traditions: attend a ball game; run in a holiday race; volunteer for the needy; go camping or hiking; adopt another family to support, etc. Creating new memories and traditions can be fun.
10. Remember – stay focused on the children.
This one is so important we’re saying it twice. Always keep your children’s happiness and well-being in mind. They want quality time; give it to them – especially during the holidays.
