Divorce is tough; there is no disputing that fact. However, if you are going through a divorce, there are plenty of experts, from mental health authorities to legal professionals, who can offer suggestions as to how to help you through the process – aka, “win” your divorce. Here are some tips from a divorce attorney about how to get the best outcomes possible.
1. Be organized. Gather your financial information from w-2s, tax returns, 401 K statements, credit card bills, bank balances, and other related money information.
2. Negotiate. Many experts advise that you think of divorce as a business negotiation. There will need to be some give and take – usually involving assets and matters related to the children. Know what you are willing to haggle over and what is non-negotiable.
3. Engage in therapy. You will need someone to talk to – a professional who is not a friend or family member. Your children may need to talk with someone as well. Family therapy may be needed, but don’t overlook individual therapy for yourself.
4. Develop a new schedule. A predictable schedule will help you develop a new routine, and adherence to a timetable is extremely helpful for the children. Child experts promote sharing a new schedule with the children by prominently displaying a calendar on the refrigerator door or on the family message board. This tool does help children transition.
5. Use technology. There are family communication apps where parents can input all family texts, emails, school calendars, expenses that need to be paid, photos, and the like. Use a digital wallet for transferring money to your spouse. Communicate with your children through facetime and zoom.
6. Plan, with your spouse, what you will say to your children and present a united front.
7. Enroll in a co-parenting class. Both parents should engage in efforts to help their children through this time by learning how to manage emotions and transitions.
8. Avoid badmouthing the other parent. Require that your family and friends refrain from talking poorly about your child’s other parent.
9. Take a social media break. Even though this may be a difficult and emotional time, avoid airing your private issues on social media. It does not matter how many privacy controls you may have, someone will take a screenshot and share it. Think long term. Will that post help your image? Help your children?
10. Learn proper budgeting. Getting a divorce is not a time for financial gain. It is a time when expenses increase. There will be two of everything: 2 mortgages, 2 electric bills, 2 internet bills, 2 of everything. Some family budget features will also be lost, such as bundling insurance, cell phone plans, etc. Expect money to be tight, or at least tighter than previously and adjust your spending accordingly.
11. Educate yourself on the law. Knowledge is power. Know in advance how your property will be divided. Know in advance how much child support you will receive or pay. Many laws about divorce are very black and white so as long as you do your research and are honest with your attorney, there shouldn’t be many surprises. Also, know the law in your state. Friends and family may want to offer what happened to another friend in Oklahoma 10 years ago. The law of the state where you live will control, and laws do change. Correct, current law is what will be applied in your situation.
12. Journal. You will experience a lot of emotions. Write it down. Don’t forget the good things as you air out the bad. Try a gratitude journal or goal journal, something that will help you look forward to the future.
13. Practice self-care. Go for a walk. Talk with a friend. Enjoy some quiet time when the kids are gone. Do what makes you feel better. Buy the grocery store flowers that catch your eye when you walk in, burn your favorite candles in the living room, play your favorite playlist on repeat, go to the gym when the motivation to do so strikes.
14. Embrace the fresh start. “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” There is much to look forward to, and though the pain of an ending can be difficult to overcome, the joy of a new beginning deserves a celebration.
15. Hire a professional who can help you do the work the right way the first time. Many divorces do require each spouse to have his or her own attorney, or at least will benefit greatly from an attorney’s help. Not getting your fair share during property division or alimony negotiations can have you losing out years later and situations with child custody can be especially contentious even with spouses who get along during the break up. Hire a divorce attorney who is an expert. Avoid the urge to call your friend who took a couple law classes years ago.
It is tough to think about a divorce as something to be “won”. Many painful emotions surround a divorce and even when one spouse has been found to be at fault and is ordered to compensate the other, it doesn’t erase the experience of the break up. Hopefully, these tips can assist you as you navigate the process and will reinforce that the best way to have a successful divorce is through compromise, education, and acceptance.
