Divorce has been described as one of the most trying times a person can go through, and anyone who works closely with divorcing people can tell you that’s a fair assessment. Between grief over the loss of your companion, the difficulty you might experience explaining the situation to family and friends, and the stress of custody arrangements, spousal support and maintaining your everyday life, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.
Common Divorce Emotions
Different people experience divorce differently, but common themes run through most of them. Your Durham divorce lawyer may be able to refer you to a local professional who can help you during this difficult time if you feel like your emotions are getting out of control. It might help to know that many men and women going through divorce experience:
• Loneliness or feelings of isolation, even when they’re surrounded by well-meaning friends and family
• Sadness over the loss of a relationship
• Feelings of failure for not making the relationship “work”
• Worrying about whether they should’ve done things differently
• Surprise, even if they had a feeling a divorce was impending
• Anger, either directed toward their spouse or themselves
Since divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster, with ups and downs every day, it’s no wonder that the whole process feels overwhelming. When you’re barraged with these emotions and can’t catch a break, you might feel like shutting down—and that might be your body’s way of telling you it’s time to do something before your stress spins out of control.
Taking Care of Yourself Comes First
When you start to get overwhelmed, your whole body pays the price. In fact, most trips to the doctor’s office are a direct result of stress and overwhelming emotions. Headaches, arthritis and heart problems are common results of too much stress, so it’s important to bust it whenever possible.
Short walks, getting lost in a good novel and dipping into a hot bath are great ways to dissolve stress—but there are immediate steps that experts recommend you take when you start to get overwhelmed.
• Breathe. Take 10 slow, deep breaths and try to push everything that’s bothering you out of your mind.
• Distract yourself. Picture yourself sunning on your favorite beach, hiking an amazing trail or doing something you love.
• Move on. Process your feelings by acknowledging that it’s okay to have them.
Create and Uphold Boundaries
While something you should be doing in your life regardless, boundaries become especially important during a separation. Your partner may ask to stay friends or request more of you than you can give during this time. If this feels too painful for you, don’t try to hide it away to placate them. Communicate it. Let them know what you can and cannot do and hold these firm within reason.
This also applies to the people around you. Family, friends, and even acquaintances may be asking a lot of you as well, or even just prying into the details of your separation. Even if they have good intentions and are just trying to help, you do not need to share with anyone you don’t feel comfortable sharing with. You may ask to be given space, or find the reverse to be true – that you wish to spend more time surrounded by your loved ones during this difficult time. Communicate your feelings and be respectful of the boundaries that others have too.
Keep Your Routine or Create a New One
Routines are especially important during times of turmoil. They keep us focused and make sure we are having our basic needs met. Hygiene habits, bill payments, and other routine items that are usually very important to us may suddenly fall by the way side when depression kicks in. Remembering to routinely make time for all of these keeps everything in the balance and allows you a little peace of mind knowing that the essentials are taken care of.
This applies to hobbies and things you do for enjoyment. If there are daily things that bring you solace, such as a morning cup of coffee, an afternoon run through the park at lunch time, a favorite TV show in the evening, make sure you allow yourself to indulge in these things. These little routines can make a big difference when it feels like everything else is out of control.
Allow Yourself Grace
Be easy on yourself. You may feel guilty about the reasons for the separation and be carrying the weight of it on your shoulders. There may be things you’ve done in your past that you regret. While owning up to your part is important, it’s detrimental to consistently bury yourself in your mistakes. Self reflection and self improvement are not always the same.
At the end of the day, this is about moving on, not moving backwards. Give yourself praise when you do something well. Studies have shown that praising good behavior is far more effective than punishing bad behavior. You are more than your past and there is far more ahead in store for you.
Reach out for support
We talked a bit about your support system when it comes to boundaries earlier. However, it’s worth the reminder that you are not an island. Your support system wants to help you and sometimes you can’t do it alone. Reach out when you are feeling down or just need to hear a friendly voice.
This includes professionals. Whether a therapist, a family lawyer, or a parent coordinator, don’t be afraid to seek help from experts. It’s their job to help you and offer you guidance, and often times there are questions you may have that they will have the answers to. There are many free resources available to those experiencing separation and divorce and you shouldn’t have to be in the dark.
If your feelings are so overwhelming that they’re consistently interrupting your daily life, reach out to a professional and see if he or she can provide you with a referral to a local therapist or family lawyer. Sometimes talking to a third party can lift some of the burden and help you cope with your divorce sensibly and effectively.
