Nobody wants to be embroiled in a long, drawn-out battle with no clear winner, but nobody wants to lose, either. When you run into conflict with your ex, do you jump in with both feet, ignore the problem and hope it’ll go away, or take the high road?
Your Durham divorce lawyer will probably advise you to take the high road whenever possible, because conflict leaves plenty of carnage behind. When you can smooth things over with your ex during disagreements, you’ll both come out on top—and your whole family will reap the benefits.
Your Durham Divorce Lawyer Doesn’t Want You to Fight
Your lawyer is there to protect your rights and look out for your best interests, and the old saying about catching more flies with honey than with vinegar is true. Your ex will be more willing to work with you on important issues like child custody and property division if you’re not combative. On the other hand, preemptive attacks force your ex to fight back.
How to Talk Your Way out of Conflict
The big secret about talking your way out of conflict is to keep your mouth closed and your ears open… at least at first. A lot of communication problems stem from one person feeling like they’re unheard; if you eliminate your ex’s frustration over not having a voice, you’ve already escaped the worst part of the conflict.
Allow your ex to express his or her feelings, find out why those feelings are there, and then make gentle suggestions toward the resolution. It’s not always easy to let the other side have their say—but both of you will enjoy lower blood pressure and fewer headaches if you start there.
Once you’ve heard your ex’s issues, you’ll need to:
- Repeat your ex’s concerns to show that you actually heard them.
- Evaluate whether you’re partly responsible and accept responsibility (out loud) if you are.
- Offer your point-of-view in a non-condescending way that doesn’t foist all the blame on your ex (even if he or she genuinely is at fault).
- Ask your ex for possible solutions.
- Offer your own possible solutions.
Whenever possible, try to compromise with your ex. If what he or she is asking for isn’t unreasonable, and it won’t affect you other than you “winning” or “losing,” consider giving in. For example, if your ex wants to pick up the kids from school every Wednesday and you want to designate Thursday as the official day, examine your reasons and how it will truly affect you. Be honest!
When Conflict Can’t be Resolved
Your Durham divorce lawyer might recommend that you and your ex use mediation if you can’t resolve conflicts on your own. Generally, mediation can help you reach a fair settlement that will save you money on court battles and legal fees. Even if your lawyer doesn’t recommend it, you and your ex can choose to work with a mediator—just make sure you keep your Durham divorce lawyer in the communication loop.
